How my mental demons almost won.

Now’s the time to tell the truth.

During our 4th annual charity event, after multiple hours of being live, having already been live for 14 hours the day prior, and the mounting stress and pressure- I finally broke. In the middle of the livestream I left for a “break” and proceeded to have a panic attack off of camera. Shortly after, I had someone else end the stream for me.

This isn’t new to me, I’ve battled with my mental health for most of my life and bursts of anxiety and panic attacks aren’t anything new. But this particular one had shaken me.

On the 14th of June earlier this year,

I decided to “Leave” content creation with no clear return. This was a knee-jerk reaction. I had become so overwhelmed with the mounting pressure of everything that I just needed an excuse to leave.

Truth be told, I didn’t want to leave.

I never have.

And I likely never will.

I miss it.

I won’t let my mental demons get the best of me.

On that day I let the mental demons win. I left something I love behind because I wasn’t sure how to fight it or even if I had it in me to fight it.

They won that battle, but they didn’t win the war.

I’ve held off on returning as I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I also felt stupid for reacting so quickly and announcing my departure in a knee-jerk reaction. But no more. Over the past couple of months my issues with anxiety have gotten worse, but I’ve become a stronger individual when it comes to dealing with it.

I’m leaving up the previous blog post because despite the fact that it represents me at one of my lowest points, I think it’s an important archive of history and a way of understanding how we have gotten here.

I’m not sure exactly when, but I’ll be going live again soon. I’m sure I’ll talk more about my experiences and open up about what happened and my issues with anxiety and panic attacks during that initial return livestream. I hope you all understand. I find it difficult to write about stuff like this, I often find it easier to talk off the cuff about it instead.

So- with nothing different, no promises, nothing special, just wongy being wongy. This time, I’m doing it for me.

LordWongy is back.